Ray did that often. Stepped in front of the awkward and softened it. When I was ten, I found a chair in the garage with yarn taped to the back, half braided.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Nothing. Don’t touch it.”
That night, Ray sat behind me on my bed, hands trembling.
“Hold still,” he muttered, trying to braid my hair.
It looked terrible. I thought my heart might burst.
“Those girls talk very fast.”
When puberty arrived, he entered my room with a plastic bag and a red face.
“I bought… stuff,” he said, staring at the ceiling. “For when things happen.”
Pads, deodorant, cheap mascara.
“You watched YouTube,” I said.
He winced. “Those girls talk very fast.”
“You hear me? You’re not less.”
We didn’t have much money, but I never felt like a burden. He washed my hair in the kitchen sink, one hand supporting my neck, the other pouring water.
“It’s okay,” he’d murmur. “I got you.”
When I cried because I’d never dance or simply stand in a crowd, he’d sit on my bed, jaw clenched.
“You’re not less. You hear me? You’re not less.”
By my teenage years, it was obvious there would be no miracle.
Ray turned that room into a world.
I could sit with support. Use my chair for a few hours. Most of my life unfolded in that room.
Ray turned that room into a world. Shelves within my reach. A crooked tablet stand he welded in the garage. For my twenty-first birthday, he built a planter box by the window and filled it with herbs.
“So you can grow that basil you yell at on the cooking shows,” he said.
I burst into tears.
Then Ray began getting tired.
“Jesus, Hannah,” Ray panicked. “You hate basil?”
“It’s perfect,” I sobbed.
He looked away. “Yeah, well. Try not to kill it.”
Then Ray began getting tired.
At first, he simply slowed down.
He’d sit halfway up the stairs to catch his breath. Misplace his keys. Burn dinner twice in one week.
Between her nagging and my pleading, he finally went.
“I’m fine,” he insisted. “Just getting old.”
He was 53.
Mrs. Patel cornered him in the driveway.
“You see a doctor,” she ordered. “Don’t be stupid.”
Between her nagging and my pleading, he went.
After the tests, he sat at the kitchen table, papers resting beneath his hand.
“What did they say?” I asked.
He looked past me. “Stage four. It’s everywhere.”
“How long?” I whispered.
He gave a small shrug. “They gave me numbers. I stopped listening.”
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